sorry i haven't updated in a while..my computer has been jacked up.

ne way ughh horrible news! i thought i was 5'8..i'm not..i'm 5'6 and 3/4...and then i'm 128.8 pounds?! WTF?!!?!?!?

we had skoliosis (sp?) tests at school on thursday and they measured u and weighed u too. i almost cryed when i saw my weight. seriously. so i'm shorter and fatter. great. but it doesn't surprise me at all that i've gained. i can tell. its disgusting. and then thing is it wasn't because of food because i hadn't eaten all day. i just don't understand y i'm so effing fat. y can't i be happy w/ myself?

i've considered purging the past few days. i'm too scared tho. i'm pretty sure i'll give in soon tho. i'm just sick of looking like this.

my goal is to be 110 and have a 6-pack by next summer. even by april or may. may 2nd i turn 16. that would be like the best birthday present ever to look like i want and finally be happy w/ myself...*sigh*...sometimes i feel like i can only dream.

i'll put icons and stuff on here later. make it look more appealing..but i kno my mom will make me get off here in a few minutes so i better go now...

love you girls

its been almost a week since i updated last...sorry girls.

well the special k diet has been going pretty well. at least it was till i screwed up this weekend. but i've noticed that instead of being bloated all the time i'm actually staying skinny. that makes me happy. it makes me more secure and confident. i can actually flirt w/o worrying when i feel skinny. i love it...if only i could stay that way. if only i could lose more weight...i'd be so much happier. but i WILL lose the weight. i'm getting down to 110 no matter what. now that i've gotten used to the diet, maybe it'll be easier to stick to it this week. and then the next week..and the next. yes this diet is going to last a long time. idc what my mother says. i really don't. she let me start it, she's going to let me continue it. even if she has no say in it. at least i'm eating. she should be thankful for that and stop being selfish and trying to make me fat w/ her cooking.

i'm posting my intake...i'll update later to tell u what else i eat. maybe i can control myself at lunch...i'll try my best.

INTAKE::::
b:::special k cereal bar = 90 cals
l::: TBA
s::: TBA
d::: TBA

i'm staying strong today! i promise. i'm making a promise to myself and all of u that i will not give into the evil temptations of food that so many weak people give into. THEY can sit around getting fat..commiting the deadly sin of gluttony..while we ana's stay strong and keep ourselves pure. frequently cleansing ourselves w/ water..cleaning the toxins out of our body. THEY can be fat..THEY can become disgusting and unattractive..THEY can have my food..i don't need it..i don't even want it. so why force it on me?..idk either..

please leave comments. they really help me w/ self control when i read them...

<333333333333333

hey girls! well today i didn't go to school cuz i was tired so my mom let me stay home  wow my mom did something nice for me ha

INTAKE:::::
b::slept thru it
l:::chicken taco soup w/ cheese, sour cream, and tortilla chips
   + dr. pepper = around 500? eww
s::an orange, creme mouse thingy, special k cereal bar = 200
d: bowl of special k w/ milk = 250

total cals= around 1000

ok so i haven't eaten dinner yet but i'm not gonna let myself eat ne thing else after that or before that. i can't believe my intake today. "normal" ppl eat over 1000 cals a day but still even coming that close to it pisses me off. i've become so acustomed to eating less than that each day that even when i'm trying to be healthy it disgusts me. ugh and lunch. i just had to have the cheese and chips and sour cream. that was most of the cals. the soup isn't all that bad but i put that in there cuz i'm effin stupid and a fat ass. ewwwwww! PLUS we're out of diet dr pepper b/c when my dad went to the store he didn't get diet he got regular and my mom hasn't gotten ne diet yet! she also hasn't gotten ne skim milk so thats most of the cals in the cereal i'll be eating! ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh! i'm never gonna get this weight off!!!

parents r so effin retarded

i was cleaning my room today, going through some things from like a long time ago. i found a little book thingy from when i was 11 or 12. it said "one thing u wish u could change about urself"...u wanna kno what i wrote? my figure. i was 11 or 12 and i didn't like myself then either. i still had my baby fat and i was already insecure. ironic.

since i stayed home obviously i wasn't at school. but my friend bentley called to see where i was. that made me happy. it made me feel like he missed me. gosh i love him.  haha i really do think i love him tho. i can never seem to get over him. even if i like someone else i day dream a/b him and then find myself smiling the whole time. hmm. too bad he's only ever thought of me as a friend. ahh he just signed on! lol

k so today i start the Special K 2 Week Challenge. i'm considering doing it a month...lets hope THIS gets the fat off. the good thing a/b this diet is i get to eat special k..yummmm and its better than eating other nasty stuff for 2 meals. hehe ok so heres my meal plans for the next 2 weeks...prolly month but we'll just see how it goes..

MEAL PLAN:::::
breakfast::bowl of special k w/ milk..maybe fruit some mornings..
lunch::meal at school..try to eat as little as possible
snack::special k granola bar or fruit or veggies
dinner::bowl of special k w/ milk
liquids::same as i always do. u stay normal w/ ur liquids but i'm gonna try to drink wayyy more water and less of other stuff like i usually do

as soon as i lose some of the fat on my tummy i'll use my ab slide more. i use it at least 3 times a week but not neccasarily 2 minutes each time. i feel like it doesn't work w/ all that fat so as soon as i lose some of it i'll use it everyday..or at least try to.

at lunch each day i'll try to eat as little as possible..not sure if it'll work but i will. i'll also probably just get a salad a lot of the time. since the dressing is disgusting i'll use that as an excuse not to eat it. i'm not sure how u can screw up making salad dressing but hey as long as i don't have to eat it..so thanks cafeteria ladies. u sure do make this easy  lol i'm retarded.

i'm excited a/b finally getting skinny. i'm beyond ready for it. ana helped me lose weight but i always gained it back b/c my metabolism turned to crap. but w/ this i'll keep my metabolism up and at the same time lose weight. this way i can keep it off. o yes! and i WILL keep it off!

my body will be beautiful...every girl will be jealous. every boy will want it.

"I'll have the body all the girls admire and the guys desire.."

^^^^^^^^^^^^and thats a promise!!!

ugh my mom is bein homo as usual. gahh stupid

well my mom said i could go on the special k 2 week challenge. have ya'll heard of that? well i'm gonna try it. i'm getting down to 110 no matter what. it says u lose 6 lbs in 2 weeks if u stick to it so hopefully i'll be able to control myself for once and lose that or maybe more....

ughh i wanna go to the freakin football game tonight but my parents r stupid and i can't find a ride!

ahhhhhhhhhh